1 00:00:16,133 --> 00:00:18,073 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:18,066 --> 00:00:20,026 Kid Capri: IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY 3 00:00:20,033 --> 00:00:22,073 "RUSSELL SIMMONS' DEF COMEDY JAM"! 4 00:00:22,066 --> 00:00:25,026 WITH YOUR HOST, MIKE EPPS! 5 00:00:25,033 --> 00:00:26,433 TONIGHT'S GUESTS-- 6 00:00:26,433 --> 00:00:28,433 ARIES SPEARS... 7 00:00:28,433 --> 00:00:30,203 J.J. 8 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:32,570 AND ARNEZ J. 9 00:00:34,967 --> 00:00:36,827 I AM YOUR MAN, THE WORLD'S GREATEST DJ, 10 00:00:36,834 --> 00:00:38,504 THE KID CAPRI! 11 00:00:38,500 --> 00:00:42,230 - AND WE ARE BACK! - ( crowd cheering ) 12 00:00:42,233 --> 00:00:44,433 AND NOW THE HOST-- 13 00:00:44,433 --> 00:00:46,973 MIKE EPPS! 14 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:58,030 YEAH! 15 00:00:58,033 --> 00:01:00,073 YEAH! 16 00:01:00,066 --> 00:01:02,326 YEAH! 17 00:01:02,333 --> 00:01:03,933 YEAH! 18 00:01:12,467 --> 00:01:15,397 THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING OUT! 19 00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:18,030 AND LET'S GIVE IT UP TO THE HOTTEST DJ IN THE LAND-- 20 00:01:18,033 --> 00:01:20,773 KID CAPRI! 21 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:27,170 WELL, Y'ALL LOOK-- 22 00:01:27,166 --> 00:01:29,366 THAT'S THEM "CAN'T WAITS" RIGHT THERE-- 23 00:01:29,367 --> 00:01:32,367 "CAN'T WAIT" TILL YOU GET SOME REAL BRAIDS. 24 00:01:38,433 --> 00:01:41,273 LOOK AT ALL THESE LITTLE YOUNG NIGGAS SITTING UP IN THE FRONT. 25 00:01:41,266 --> 00:01:44,466 Y'ALL NIGGAS IS OUT FOR SUMMER SCHOOL, AIN'T YOU? 26 00:01:45,700 --> 00:01:49,070 LITTLE SUMMER SCHOOL NIGGAS RIGHT HERE. 27 00:01:49,066 --> 00:01:51,066 THAT'S RIGHT. BEAT YOUR KID'S ASS. 28 00:01:51,066 --> 00:01:53,066 THEM NIGGAS NEED TO BE WHIPPED. 29 00:01:53,066 --> 00:01:56,726 I'LL FUCK YOUR KID UP FOR YOU IF YOU NEED ME TO. 30 00:01:56,734 --> 00:01:59,234 I'LL PAY YOU TO WHIP HIM FOR ME. 31 00:01:59,233 --> 00:02:02,173 THEM KIDS NEED AN ASS-WHIPPING, I'M TELLING YOU, MAN. 32 00:02:02,166 --> 00:02:05,196 MY MOTHER WOULD SEND ME TO THE STORE ALL THE TIME AND SHIT. 33 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,030 HOW MANY TIMES YOU ALL HAD TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE 34 00:02:07,033 --> 00:02:09,103 A HUNDRED MOTHERFUCKING TIMES A DAY? 35 00:02:09,100 --> 00:02:11,000 "COME, GO TO THE STORE FOR ME. 36 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:13,700 COME, GO TO THE STORE FOR ME. COME, GO TO THE STORE FOR ME." 37 00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:15,830 WHY DON'T YOU WRITE ALL THIS SHIT DOWN IN THE MORNING, 38 00:02:15,834 --> 00:02:18,304 AND I'LL GET ALL THIS SHIT? 39 00:02:19,934 --> 00:02:23,834 KEEP MAKING ME GO TO THE MOTHERFUCKING STORE ALL DAY. 40 00:02:23,834 --> 00:02:26,604 AND THEN, "GET ME A THING OF THAT COME IN A BIG BLUE-- 41 00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:28,800 COME IN A BIG BLUE, COST $1.89. 42 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,000 COME HERE. I'M GONNA SHOW YOU WHAT TO GET." 43 00:02:32,734 --> 00:02:36,034 TAKE YOU IN THE KITCHEN AND TEAR ALL THE LABELS OFF THE SHIT. 44 00:02:36,033 --> 00:02:38,273 LOOK LIKE YOU GOT A BANKROLL, BUT YOU GOT LABELS 45 00:02:38,266 --> 00:02:39,926 IN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING POCKET. 46 00:02:39,934 --> 00:02:42,634 BIG STACK OF 'EM IN YOUR POCKET. 47 00:02:42,633 --> 00:02:44,503 TELL YOU TO GET ALL THAT SHIT 48 00:02:44,500 --> 00:02:47,030 AND THEN SAY, "AND DON'T GET NOTHING FOR YOURSELF." 49 00:02:47,033 --> 00:02:49,633 SHIT! 50 00:02:49,633 --> 00:02:53,473 I'M GETTING A BUTTERFINGER OR SOMETHING, GOD DAMN IT, ALL THESE GROCERIES. 51 00:02:54,867 --> 00:02:57,127 I BUY A CANDY BAR LAST AND TEAR THE RECEIPT OFF-- 52 00:02:57,133 --> 00:02:59,903 ON THE BOTTOM PART AND GIVE IT TO HER. 53 00:02:59,900 --> 00:03:03,070 BOY, ABOUT 10 MINUTES LATER, "COME HERE!" 54 00:03:03,066 --> 00:03:05,566 SHE DONE LAID ALL THE ITEMS OUT ON THE TABLE. 55 00:03:05,567 --> 00:03:08,327 GOT THE CHANGE ON THERE, THEN COUNTED EVERYTHING UP. 56 00:03:08,333 --> 00:03:10,733 "THERE'S 75 CENTS MISSING!" 57 00:03:12,567 --> 00:03:15,297 ( imitates suspenseful music ) 58 00:03:15,300 --> 00:03:18,230 "Let me smell your breath." 59 00:03:18,233 --> 00:03:20,703 ( huffs ) "GET UPSTAIRS AND GET NAKED." 60 00:03:24,133 --> 00:03:27,033 YOU UP THERE BUTT NAKED. SHE ON THE PHONE TELLING PEOPLE, 61 00:03:27,033 --> 00:03:29,603 "I'M ABOUT TO GO UP THERE AND FUCK HIM UP. 62 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,570 I'LL CALL YOU BACK IN A MINUTE. 63 00:03:31,567 --> 00:03:33,627 I'LL CALL YOU WHEN I GET THROUGH TEARING HIS ASS UP. 64 00:03:33,633 --> 00:03:35,503 OKAY, BYE-BYE." 65 00:03:35,500 --> 00:03:38,030 DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR MOTHER TRIED TO TELL YOU TO RUN PAST, 66 00:03:38,033 --> 00:03:40,903 SHE AIN'T GONNA HIT YOU AND YOU BE SCARED? "RUN PAST HERE." 67 00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:43,100 ( moaning ) 68 00:03:43,100 --> 00:03:45,670 "GET YOUR ASS PAST HERE." 69 00:03:45,667 --> 00:03:48,227 ( moaning ) 70 00:03:48,233 --> 00:03:50,033 ( screams ) 71 00:03:50,033 --> 00:03:52,303 "GET UP THERE BEFORE I FUCK YOU UP." 72 00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:54,400 YOU ALL READY FOR THE FIRST COMIC? COME ON. 73 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:57,430 PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER. 74 00:04:02,066 --> 00:04:03,826 Y'ALL SEEN HIM ON DEF JAM BEFORE. 75 00:04:03,834 --> 00:04:06,134 STRAIGHT UP OUT OF L.A. GIVE HIM SOME LOVE. 76 00:04:06,133 --> 00:04:09,833 YOU SEEN HIM ON "MAD TV," FOR ARIES SPEARS! 77 00:04:17,500 --> 00:04:20,100 L.A., WHAT'S HAPPENING? 78 00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:24,600 YEAH! 79 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:27,470 WHERE ARE MY WHITE FOLKS AT? MAKE SOME NOISE. 80 00:04:27,467 --> 00:04:30,097 ( scattered cheering ) 81 00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:32,900 Y'ALL SAID, "FUCK IT." YOU OWN THE BUILDING, SHIT. 82 00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:38,230 I'M GONNA TELL YOU, BEING IN L.A., I BEEN OUT HERE FOR OVER 12 YEARS, MAN, 83 00:04:38,233 --> 00:04:40,203 AND I'M REALLY TRYING TO DO THIS MOVIE SHIT. 84 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,630 AND IT'S HARD 'CAUSE I'M AT A VERY FRUSTRATING POINT IN MY CAREER. 85 00:04:42,633 --> 00:04:44,733 'CAUSE I'M NOT LIKE WILL SMITH FAMOUS." 86 00:04:44,734 --> 00:04:48,074 BUT I'M NOT LIKE URKEL FAMOUS, YOU KNOW? 87 00:04:48,066 --> 00:04:50,096 AND IT'S HARD 'CAUSE I HEAR ABOUT ALL THESE ACTORS 88 00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:52,300 THAT GET PAID $20 MILLION A MOVIE TO ACT, 89 00:04:52,300 --> 00:04:54,300 AND THE KEYWORD IN THAT IS "ACT." 90 00:04:54,300 --> 00:04:56,270 BUT THEY PAY THIS TO DUDES WHO NEVER COULD FUCKING ACT. 91 00:04:56,266 --> 00:04:59,766 LIKE HOW DID THEY PAY STALLONE AND SCHWARZENEGGER $20 MILLION A MOVIE? 92 00:04:59,767 --> 00:05:01,797 PAY THAT TO THE DUDES WHO DESERVE IT, 93 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,800 LIKE PACINO, DE NIRO, DENZEL, MORGAN FREEMAN. 94 00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:06,230 THEM MOTHERFUCKERS IS ACTORS. 95 00:05:07,867 --> 00:05:09,927 'CAUSE TO THIS DAY, ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES OF ALL TIME 96 00:05:09,934 --> 00:05:12,834 IS "HEAT" WITH PACINO AND DE NIRO, YOU KNOW? 97 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,430 IT'S LIKE WATCHING TWO HEAVYWEIGHT BOXERS GO HEAD-TO-HEAD. 98 00:05:16,433 --> 00:05:18,473 PACINO SITTING THERE WITH DE NIRO AT THE DINNER TABLE. 99 00:05:18,467 --> 00:05:20,927 THEY MEET FOR THE FIRST TIME. HE'S BREAKING SHIT DOWN TO HIM. 100 00:05:20,934 --> 00:05:23,074 ( imitating Al Pacino ) YOU, SIR, ARE A BAD GUY. 101 00:05:23,066 --> 00:05:25,996 I'M THE POLICE. IT'S MY JOB 102 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:29,030 TO STOP GUYS LIKE YOU MURDERERS, RAPERS, KILLERS. 103 00:05:29,033 --> 00:05:30,933 IT'S WHAT I DO. 104 00:05:30,934 --> 00:05:34,034 THERE MAY COME A TIME WHEN OUR PATHS CROSS. 105 00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:35,933 I MIGHT HAVE TO TAKE YOU DOWN. 106 00:05:35,934 --> 00:05:37,174 I WON'T LIKE IT, BUT I'LL DO IT. 107 00:05:37,166 --> 00:05:39,866 KEEPS ME HOT ON MY TOES, WHERE I GOTTA BE. 108 00:05:39,867 --> 00:05:41,767 ( normal voice ) DE NIRO COMES BACK. 109 00:05:41,767 --> 00:05:43,997 ( imitating Robert De Niro ) YOU KNOW THERE'S A FLIPSIDE TO THAT COIN. 110 00:05:45,367 --> 00:05:47,327 GOOD FRIEND OF MINE, JIMMY STAG, ONCE TOLD ME 111 00:05:47,333 --> 00:05:50,533 NEVER GET ATTACHED TO ANYTHING THAT YOU CANNOT WALK OUT ON IN 15 SECONDS FLAT 112 00:05:50,533 --> 00:05:52,503 IF YOU SPOT THE HEAT COMING AROUND THE CORNER. 113 00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:54,670 AND I ALSO LIKE GUYS LIKE YOU THAT LIKE GUYS LIKE ME, 114 00:05:54,667 --> 00:05:58,427 'CAUSE YOU KEEP ME HOT ON MY TOES, WHERE I GOTTA BE. 115 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:02,000 NOW PICTURE THE SAME SCENE 116 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,130 WITH STALLONE AND SCHWARZENEGGER. 117 00:06:04,133 --> 00:06:06,433 YOU AIN'T GONNA BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND SHIT. 118 00:06:06,433 --> 00:06:08,433 STALLONE IS DOING PACINO. 119 00:06:08,433 --> 00:06:10,603 ( mumbling ) 120 00:06:12,266 --> 00:06:14,466 ( imitating Schwarzenegger ) "YOU KNOW, THERE'S A FLIPSIDE. 121 00:06:14,467 --> 00:06:16,197 I MIGHT HAVE TO TAKE YOU DOWN. 122 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,530 I WON'T LIKE IT, BUT I'LL DO IT." 123 00:06:20,133 --> 00:06:24,103 ( normal voice ) EVEN DEAF PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "WHAT DID HE SAY? 124 00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:26,230 I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHAT DID HE...?" 125 00:06:27,700 --> 00:06:30,070 THAT'S A HORRIBLE NOISE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER MAKES. 126 00:06:30,066 --> 00:06:32,096 ( grunts ) 127 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,000 CAN YOU IMAGINE HIM ASKING HIS WOMAN FOR HEAD? 128 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,170 ( imitating Schwarzenegger ) "MARIA, COME ON, GIMME HEAD, 129 00:06:36,166 --> 00:06:38,026 GO DOWN! 130 00:06:38,033 --> 00:06:40,373 DON'T COME UP FOR AIR. BREATHE THROUGH YOUR EARS. 131 00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:44,497 SWALLOW IT. IT HAS POTASSIUM AND CALCIUM. IT'S GOOD FOR YOU." 132 00:06:46,266 --> 00:06:48,496 ( normal voice ) MY ULTIMATE ACTOR, THOUGH, I WOULD LOVE TO WORK WITH, 133 00:06:48,500 --> 00:06:52,100 I GOTTA SAY IS DENZEL. THAT IS THE BADDEST MOTHERFUCKER. 134 00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:55,170 DENZEL IS THE COOLEST CAT. 135 00:06:55,166 --> 00:06:57,096 DOING IMPRESSIONS, 136 00:06:57,100 --> 00:06:59,300 FELLAS, YOU GOTTA LEARN HOW TO GET SOME DENZEL IN YOUR LIFE, 137 00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:02,100 'CAUSE I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT GO ON IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP, 138 00:07:02,100 --> 00:07:04,830 BLACK WOMEN, YOU KNOW, THEY FEEL IT. 139 00:07:04,834 --> 00:07:07,604 A WOMAN GET READY TO LEAVE YOU, YOU DO DENZEL, SHE AIN'T GOING NOPLACE. 140 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,930 YOU KNOW, THE KEY TO DENZEL, YOU GOTTA START WITH THE WALK. 141 00:07:09,934 --> 00:07:11,934 'CAUSE DENZEL GOT ONE OF THE COLDEST WALKS 142 00:07:11,934 --> 00:07:14,404 IN SHOW BUSINESS, RIGHT? 143 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,170 THAT NIGGA COME WITH THAT STRUT AND THAT OVERBITE. 144 00:07:21,567 --> 00:07:24,097 YOUR GIRL START TALKING SHIT, "BABY, I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU. 145 00:07:24,100 --> 00:07:27,070 YOU DON'T RESPECT ME. YOU NEED TO TAKE SOME TIME, BE BY YOURSELF." 146 00:07:27,066 --> 00:07:29,666 ( normal voice ) THAT'S WHEN YOU DO DENZEL. 147 00:07:29,667 --> 00:07:32,097 ( mimics Washington ) "I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE. I WANT YOU TO STAY WITH ME. 148 00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:34,430 I PROMISE IF YOU STAY WITH ME, I'LL LOVE YOU INTERNALLY , EXTERNALLY 149 00:07:34,433 --> 00:07:35,973 AND EVERY OTHER WAY IMAGINABLE. 150 00:07:35,967 --> 00:07:38,497 ( laughs ) EVERYTHING I EVER AM, 151 00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:40,500 EVERYTHING I EVER WILL BE, I AM BECAUSE OF YOU. 152 00:07:40,500 --> 00:07:42,470 YOU ARE MY HEART. YOU ARE MY FLAME. 153 00:07:42,467 --> 00:07:45,027 YOU ARE MY PHYSICAL, EVERYTHING THAT I SAY IS ALL BECAUSE I LOVE YOU." 154 00:07:45,033 --> 00:07:46,703 "BABY, I AIN'T GOING NOWHERE. 155 00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:51,030 YOU JUST NEED TO LEARN HOW TO RESPECT..." IT'LL WORK. 156 00:07:51,033 --> 00:07:53,073 SHE SAID "DO THE WALK AGAIN." 157 00:07:53,066 --> 00:07:55,196 "YOU GONNA GIVE ME SOME PUSSY?" 158 00:07:56,734 --> 00:07:59,474 I'LL DO DENZEL ALL NIGHT IF I'M GONNA GET SOME PUSSY. 159 00:07:59,467 --> 00:08:01,727 THE FIRST THING I SAY IS THE OPENING LINE FROM "TRAINING DAY." 160 00:08:01,734 --> 00:08:03,534 "YOU'RE IN A POSITION TO LEARN A THING OR TWO. 161 00:08:03,533 --> 00:08:05,203 JUST KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN AND YOUR MOUTH SHUT. 162 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:08,830 YOU'RE IN A PRIVILEGED POSITION ALL DAY, HOYT." SHIT. 163 00:08:10,734 --> 00:08:13,374 ANY HIP-HOP FANS HERE, HIP-HOP? 164 00:08:16,533 --> 00:08:18,003 I'M A BIG HIP-HOP FAN. 165 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,030 I CAME INTO A LITTLE BIT OF A REVELATION RECENTLY. 166 00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:23,133 I TURNED 31 EARLY APRIL, AND I'M STARTING TO REALIZE 167 00:08:23,133 --> 00:08:26,733 THAT A LOT OF THIS HIP-HOP, RAP THING IS FOR KIDS. 168 00:08:26,734 --> 00:08:28,874 IT'S A YOUNG PEOPLE'S MOVEMENT, YOU KNOW? 169 00:08:28,867 --> 00:08:31,797 AND I KNOW, WE AS ADULTS, WE TRY TO HANG ON TO OUR YOUTH AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. 170 00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:34,400 BUT MY POINT IS, YOU GOTTA KNOW WHEN TO LET GO, 171 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:37,330 'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE 36 AND YOU'RE DRESSED LIKE YOU'RE 15, 172 00:08:37,333 --> 00:08:40,633 YOU LOOK FUCKING STUPID, 173 00:08:40,633 --> 00:08:42,733 YOU KNOW? 174 00:08:42,734 --> 00:08:46,404 AND I'M 31, SO I FIGURE I GOT ABOUT THREE YEARS LEFT ON MY HIP-HOP CARD 175 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:49,670 BEFORE I GOTTA START TUCKING MY SHIRT IN AND TURNING MY HAT AROUND. 176 00:08:49,667 --> 00:08:51,727 BUT I LIKE WHEN RAPPERS GET TOGETHER AND MAKE GOOD MUSIC 177 00:08:51,734 --> 00:08:54,074 AS OPPOSED TO KILLING EACH OTHER. IF I COULD HAVE IT MY WAY, 178 00:08:54,066 --> 00:08:56,126 I'D LIKE TO SEE FOUR OF MY FAVORITE EMCEES COME TOGETHER 179 00:08:56,133 --> 00:08:59,873 AND MAKE A SONG. I'D HAVE LL COOL J, 180 00:08:59,867 --> 00:09:03,067 SNOOP DOGG, DMX 181 00:09:03,066 --> 00:09:05,896 AND MY MAN JAY-Z. 182 00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:08,230 I GOTTA SAY, I'M AMAZED BY JAY-Z. 183 00:09:08,233 --> 00:09:09,903 NOT AT THE FACT THAT HE'S A GREAT RAPPER. 184 00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:11,700 EVERYBODY KNOW HE'S A GREAT RAPPER. 185 00:09:11,700 --> 00:09:13,230 HOW THE FUCK DID HE GET BEYONCE? 186 00:09:13,233 --> 00:09:16,433 'CAUSE YOU ALL KNOW THAT'S AN UGLY MOTHERFUCKER. 187 00:09:17,834 --> 00:09:19,574 IS IT ME OR DOES THAT NIGGA LOOK LIKE JOE CAMEL? 188 00:09:19,567 --> 00:09:22,497 AM I THE ONLY ONE TO SEE THAT SHIT? 189 00:09:22,500 --> 00:09:25,200 HE COULD FINISH CHAPSTICK IN ONE USE. 190 00:09:32,300 --> 00:09:34,630 BUT LIKE I SAID, I'D HAVE LL DO THE INTRO, 191 00:09:34,633 --> 00:09:36,633 'CAUSE LL JUST GOT THAT COOL SUAVE VOICE. 192 00:09:36,633 --> 00:09:39,273 LL SEEM LIKE HE DON'T EVEN NEED A WOMAN TO BE TURNED ON. 193 00:09:39,266 --> 00:09:41,296 HE CAN JUST STAND IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR, CHEST NAKED 194 00:09:41,300 --> 00:09:43,070 AND TURN HIMSELF ON. 195 00:09:43,066 --> 00:09:45,926 LIKE THE MUSIC AND SHIT COME ON-- YO, KID, HIT IT. 196 00:09:45,934 --> 00:09:48,004 - ( music playing ) - YO WHAT'S UP, BABY? 197 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,270 THIS IS YOUR MAN, LL COOL J-- UNH! 198 00:09:50,266 --> 00:09:52,726 AIN'T NOTHING LIKE WHEN YOU PUT VANILLA ICE CREAM ON YOUR CHEST, 199 00:09:52,734 --> 00:09:55,074 LET IT MELT DOWN TO YOUR GENITALS. 200 00:09:55,066 --> 00:09:57,996 I GOT MY MAN SNOOP DOGG, DMX AND JAY-Z IN THE BUILDING. 201 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:00,000 IT'S ABOUT TO BE REAL SEXUAL RIGHT NOW, 202 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,430 REAL EROTIC, BABY-- ( laughs ) 203 00:10:02,433 --> 00:10:06,033 HEY, YO, SNOOP. HOLLER AT 'EM-- IT'S YOUR MAN, LL. 204 00:10:06,033 --> 00:10:08,933 ( mimics Snoop ) YO, ONE-TWO-THREE AND TO THE FOUR, 205 00:10:08,934 --> 00:10:11,734 SNOOP DOGGY DOGG TAKING CONDOMS OUT THE DOOR. 206 00:10:11,734 --> 00:10:14,034 READY TO GET UP IN YA, SO BACK ON UP, 207 00:10:14,033 --> 00:10:16,903 GET A CONDOM, 'CAUSE I'M READY TO FUCK, BITCH, WHAT? 208 00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:19,170 HAVING THREE HOS IS SOME GANGSTA SHIT, 209 00:10:19,166 --> 00:10:21,766 YOU KNOW HOW A DOGG DO WHEN A GANGSTA PIMP. 210 00:10:21,767 --> 00:10:24,527 WE DON'T SWEAT SHIT, 'CAUSE WE KNOW WE CAN'T BE FADED. 211 00:10:24,533 --> 00:10:27,373 WE JUST SIT BACK AND DEBATE IT WHILE GETTING OUR HAIR BRAIDED. 212 00:10:27,367 --> 00:10:29,497 NATE DOGG, WARREN G,, DAZ AND KURUPT, 213 00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:32,430 WE GONNA RAP TILL WE DIE, THAT'S WHY WE THROW THEM THINGS UP. 214 00:10:32,433 --> 00:10:35,003 FOR SHIZZLE, MY NIZZLE, IN THE LBC. 215 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,800 YOU KNOW MY NAME'S SNOOP D-O-DOUBLE G. 216 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,570 YO, IT'S YOUR MAN DMX. WHERE'S MY DAWGS AT? 217 00:10:41,467 --> 00:10:43,927 WHERE'S MY DAWGS? HUH? 218 00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:45,074 ( growls ) 219 00:10:45,066 --> 00:10:47,566 WHAT? YEAH. WHAT? YEAH. 220 00:10:47,567 --> 00:10:50,467 YO, I DONE TOLD Y'ALL DAWGS ABOUT FUCKIN' WITH ME. 221 00:10:50,467 --> 00:10:52,967 YO, I DONE TOLD Y'ALL DAWGS ABOUT FUCKIN' WITH ME. 222 00:10:52,967 --> 00:10:55,567 WHEN A DAWG STARTS TO BARK, IT'S FOLLOWED BY THE BITE 223 00:10:55,567 --> 00:10:58,297 THAT'S WHEN YOU FEEL THE PAIN AND YOU'RE HEADED FOR THE LIGHT. 224 00:10:58,300 --> 00:11:00,800 DON'T GET UPSET, NIGGA. THAT'S JUST HOW A DAWG DO. 225 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:03,530 AND I WON'T STOP EATING. UNTIL A DAWG'S THROUGH. 226 00:11:03,533 --> 00:11:06,303 ARR-- ARF! I'LL BRING THAT REAL FUCKING STEEL, LADY! 227 00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:09,030 ARR-- ARF! FOR THAT REAL FUCKING MEAL, BABY! 228 00:11:09,033 --> 00:11:11,203 YO, JAY-Z, HOLLER AT 'EM! 229 00:11:16,500 --> 00:11:19,430 TALK TO ME MAN, IT'S YOUR BOY IN THE BUILDING-- HO! 230 00:11:19,433 --> 00:11:24,203 IT'S YOUNG "HOVA." ( chuckles ) 231 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:26,670 IT'S YOUR BOY! ( laughs ) 232 00:11:26,667 --> 00:11:29,067 IT'S YOUNG HOVA, HOMIE-HOMIE, UNH-UNH. 233 00:11:29,066 --> 00:11:31,896 IT'S YOUNG HOVA, HOMIE, I TOLD YA, THE GAME'S OVER. 234 00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:34,500 I GOT IT LOCKED-- ALL Y'ALL SHOULD STOP. 235 00:11:34,500 --> 00:11:37,000 IT'S THAT STOCK CARTER PERSONA MADE FOR MARTYR. 236 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,700 THINK YOU GOT IT LOCKED? DON'T BOTHER-- I'M TAKING THE GAME FARTHER, 237 00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:42,300 I'M ROY WHEN I HIT, ALLAN I. WHEN I SWITCH, 238 00:11:42,300 --> 00:11:44,900 I'M LIKE IKE TURNER-- HITS WITH LOVE WHEN I'M PISSED. 239 00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:46,770 SHA-BOY! 240 00:11:46,767 --> 00:11:49,627 YO, L.A., THANK YOU. 241 00:11:49,633 --> 00:11:52,533 IT'S ALL LOVE, BABY. 242 00:11:59,467 --> 00:12:02,197 ONE MORE TIME FOR ARIES SPEARS, Y'ALL. COME ON. 243 00:12:04,367 --> 00:12:06,727 Y'ALL READY FOR THE NEXT COMEDIAN? COME ON, COME ON! 244 00:12:09,033 --> 00:12:12,303 COMING TO THE STAGE STRAIGHT UP OUT OF MISSISSIPPI, 245 00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:15,370 GIVE IT UP FOR MY MAN J.J.! 246 00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:25,173 ALL RIGHT, GO ON AND CUT IT. I NEED MY TIME. 247 00:12:25,166 --> 00:12:28,496 WHAT UP, L.A.? HOW YOU ALL DOING? YOU ALL DOING ALL RIGHT? 248 00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:31,730 I GOTTA TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS. I DON'T GET A LOT OF SHOWS LIKE THIS. 249 00:12:31,734 --> 00:12:33,734 I'VE BEEN DOING COMEDY 11 YEARS. 250 00:12:33,734 --> 00:12:36,304 THERE'S MORE FOLKS THAN ALL OF MY SHOWS COMBINED. 251 00:12:36,300 --> 00:12:38,400 I GOTTA TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS SHIT. 252 00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:41,770 LAST WEEK I DID A SHOW WITH THREE FOLKS IN MY SHIT. 253 00:12:41,767 --> 00:12:45,627 I JUST SAT DOWN. WE PLAYED SPADES, NIGGA. I'M LIKE, "FUCK IT!" 254 00:12:45,633 --> 00:12:47,673 "LET'S SEE IF I CAN RUN THIS BOSTON 255 00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:49,767 ON YOUR ASS REAL QUICK, GOD DAMN IT." 256 00:12:49,767 --> 00:12:52,097 JUST TRYING TO MAKE A LITTLE CHANGE REAL QUICK. 257 00:12:52,100 --> 00:12:55,430 I GOT A DAUGHTER TO TAKE CARE OF. GOT AN 18 YEAR-OLD. 258 00:12:55,433 --> 00:12:58,903 YEAH, I WENT AHEAD AND GOT MINE OUT OF THE WAY. 259 00:12:58,900 --> 00:13:02,600 YOU KNOW, I'M STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL. MY MOM AND DAD ARE GONNA TAKE CARE OF HER. 260 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,830 BY THE TIME I GET MY SHIT TOGETHER, SHE AIN'T GONNA NEED MUCH. 261 00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:12,770 YOU GOTTA MAKE SACRIFICES EARLY IN LIFE. 262 00:13:12,767 --> 00:13:14,527 THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING. 263 00:13:14,533 --> 00:13:16,833 'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR KIDS, 264 00:13:16,834 --> 00:13:18,834 EVERYBODY LIVES BY THE SAME LITTLE RULES, 265 00:13:18,834 --> 00:13:20,834 SAME LITTLE CREED WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR KIDS. 266 00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:24,334 EVERYBODY WANTS THEIR CHILD'S LIFE TO GO A LITTLE BETTER THAN WHAT THEIR'S GO. 267 00:13:24,333 --> 00:13:26,303 SO I'M ALWAYS SITTING MY DAUGHTER DOWN. 268 00:13:26,300 --> 00:13:28,970 WE TALK ABOUT LIFE. WE TALK ABOUT THE BIRDS AND THE BEES. 269 00:13:28,967 --> 00:13:31,467 MY DAUGHTER TOLD ME SHE WANTED TO GO TO COLLEGE AND GRADUATE. 270 00:13:31,467 --> 00:13:34,897 THAT'S GOOD. SAID ONE DAY SHE WANTS TO GET MARRIED, HAVE KIDS. 271 00:13:34,900 --> 00:13:37,000 THAT MEANS SEX IS INVOLVED. 272 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:40,230 MY BIGGEST FEAR AS A PARENT, NOW ESPECIALLY AS A FATHER, 273 00:13:40,233 --> 00:13:42,233 I DO NOT WANT MY DAUGHTER TO GROW UP 274 00:13:42,233 --> 00:13:44,603 AND BE NO GODDAMN FREAK. 275 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:46,600 THAT'S THE TYPE OF SHIT I BE HOME THINKING ABOUT. 276 00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:48,630 I DO NOT WANT MY DAUGHTER TO BE LABELED 277 00:13:48,633 --> 00:13:50,973 AS NO GODDAMN FREAK. 278 00:13:50,967 --> 00:13:53,627 DO NOT WANT MY DAUGHTER TO BE AT A CLUB, AND NIGGAS BE AT THE CLUB, TALKING, 279 00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:55,933 "THERE SHE GO RIGHT THERE." 280 00:14:02,867 --> 00:14:04,997 I DO NOT WANT MY DAUGHTER TO BE THAT GIRL. 281 00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:07,000 SO I SAT MY DAUGHTER DOWN ONE DAY. 282 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,800 I SAID, "BABY, I HEARD YOU SAY YOU WANNA HAVE KIDS. 283 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:11,830 THAT MEANS YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO HAVE A LITTLE SEX. 284 00:14:11,834 --> 00:14:14,774 I KNOW THIS MAY BE A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE FOR YOU. 285 00:14:14,767 --> 00:14:17,097 BUT THEM FIRST COUPLE OF TIMES YOU DO IT, 286 00:14:17,100 --> 00:14:19,400 I'M GONNA BE THERE. 287 00:14:24,834 --> 00:14:26,434 I JUST WANNA MAKE SURE THINGS GO STRAIGHT. 288 00:14:26,433 --> 00:14:28,303 THAT'S ALL I'M DAMN SAYING. 289 00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:30,630 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T GONNA BE IN THE FIRST COUPLE OF TIMES 290 00:14:30,633 --> 00:14:32,673 UP IN THERE JUST TRYING TO DO MY DAUGHTER ALL LIKE THAT. 291 00:14:32,667 --> 00:14:35,527 SHE'S NOT READY FOR THAT TYPE OF PRESSURE. 292 00:14:36,967 --> 00:14:39,767 YOU AIN'T JUST GONNA DICK MY DAUGHTER DOWN, NIGGA. 293 00:14:39,767 --> 00:14:42,627 SO I SAID, "BABY, YOU LET ME KNOW WHEN Y'ALL GONNA DO IT. 294 00:14:42,633 --> 00:14:44,773 I'M GONNA SIT RIGHT HERE, AND Y'ALL GO AHEAD." 295 00:14:52,533 --> 00:14:55,033 "HOW YOU FEEL, BABY?" 296 00:14:59,633 --> 00:15:03,173 "YEAH, YOU'RE A LITTLE CONFUSED? I KNOW. I KNOW. 297 00:15:03,166 --> 00:15:05,566 DON'T LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT HIM." 298 00:15:09,533 --> 00:15:12,773 "PUT MY DAUGHTER'S LEGS DOWN, NIGGA. SHE'S NOT READY FOR THAT YET." 299 00:15:15,533 --> 00:15:17,073 I APPRECIATE THESE FEW LITTLE GIGGLES 300 00:15:17,066 --> 00:15:19,726 Y'ALL GIVING A BROTHER, GOD DAMN IT. 301 00:15:19,734 --> 00:15:21,504 JUST FOLLOWING ONE OF MY LITTLE BOYHOOD DREAMS. 302 00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:23,330 I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE AN ENTERTAINER. 303 00:15:23,333 --> 00:15:25,873 I HAD THREE LITTLE BOYHOOD DREAMS. 304 00:15:25,867 --> 00:15:27,827 I WANTED TO BE A WIDE RECEIVER IN THE NFL. 305 00:15:27,834 --> 00:15:30,834 WANTED TO BE A WIDE RECEIVER IN THE GODDAMN NFL. 306 00:15:30,834 --> 00:15:32,834 BUT I WENT OUT FOR A PASS IN HIGH SCHOOL 307 00:15:32,834 --> 00:15:35,204 AND GOT HIT SO GODDAMN HARD, 308 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:38,900 I DIDN'T EVEN TELL MY COACH I WAS QUITTING. I JUST WALKED OFF. 309 00:15:38,900 --> 00:15:40,500 HE'S LIKE, "WHERE YOU GOING?" 310 00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:43,200 LIKE, I'M GONNA JOIN THE BAND, GOD DAMN IT. 311 00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:45,030 I AIN'T FIXIN' TO GET HIT LIKE THAT. 312 00:15:45,033 --> 00:15:46,833 DON'T HIT ME LIKE THAT NO GODDAMN MORE. 313 00:15:46,834 --> 00:15:48,834 I AIN'T SEE YOU COMING, EITHER. DON'T HIT ME LIKE THAT, 314 00:15:48,834 --> 00:15:52,534 NO GODDAMN MORE. PULL MY FLAG, TOUCH ME. I'LL STOP RIGHT THERE, NIGGA. 315 00:15:52,533 --> 00:15:54,673 DON'T HIT ME LIKE THAT NO GODDAMN MORE. 316 00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:59,270 THAT'S JUST ONE OF MY BOYHOOD DREAMS. 317 00:15:59,266 --> 00:16:01,126 I'M GONNA TELL YOU ANOTHER BOYHOOD DREAM OF MINE. 318 00:16:01,133 --> 00:16:04,003 AND THIS SOME STRAIGHT O.G., BLACK, 319 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:07,430 BLACK GHETTO SHIT TO THE THIRD POWER RIGHT HERE. 320 00:16:07,433 --> 00:16:10,533 I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE ON THE HAIRCUT CHART 321 00:16:10,533 --> 00:16:12,903 IN THE BARBERSHOP, NIGGA. 322 00:16:17,166 --> 00:16:19,826 NIGGA, THE HAIRCUT CHART. 323 00:16:19,834 --> 00:16:21,804 I'M LIKE, "WHO IN THE HELL GOT TO CUT MY HAIR 324 00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:24,630 FOR ME TO BE ON THE DAMN HAIRCUT CHART, NIGGA"? 325 00:16:24,633 --> 00:16:26,633 JUST ONE YEAR I JUST WANNA WALK IN THE BARBERSHOP. 326 00:16:26,633 --> 00:16:29,333 I JUST SEE MYSELF. I'M "NUMBER 9" IN THAT PICTURE... 327 00:16:37,333 --> 00:16:39,373 I'M LIKE, "YEAH, LET ME GET ONE OF THEM NUMBER 9'S. 328 00:16:39,367 --> 00:16:42,027 I LIKE HOW HIS SHIT'S FADED IN RIGHT THERE. I LIKE THAT." 329 00:16:43,867 --> 00:16:46,867 JUST HAVING FUN WHILE I GOT IT, GOD DAMN IT. I GOT TWO KIDS. 330 00:16:46,867 --> 00:16:49,267 I GOT A SON AT HOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 331 00:16:49,266 --> 00:16:51,066 I GOT MY FIRST NEWBORN AT HOME. 332 00:16:51,066 --> 00:16:54,626 GOT A SON RIGHT AT THE CRIB WAITING ON ME RIGHT NOW. 333 00:16:54,633 --> 00:16:56,703 FINALLY GOT A DAMN SON. 334 00:16:56,700 --> 00:16:58,930 I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE THAT CLOSE TO ANOTHER MAN'S DICK, 335 00:16:58,934 --> 00:17:02,304 BUT I GOT TO BATHE HIM. I'M GONNA BUMP INTO IT SOMETIME. 336 00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:04,330 HE'LL PEE ON ME, I WON'T EVEN GET MAD. 337 00:17:04,333 --> 00:17:06,703 I'LL BE LIKE, "YOU JUST PEE ON YOUR DADDY. 338 00:17:06,700 --> 00:17:09,430 YOU JUST PEE ON..." 339 00:17:09,433 --> 00:17:11,373 THEM DAMN DIAPERS SO DAMN EXPENSIVE. 340 00:17:11,367 --> 00:17:13,867 I'M PUTTING PAPER TOWELS AROUND HIS ASS. 341 00:17:15,233 --> 00:17:18,933 USING BOUNCE, THE QUICKER PICKER-UPPERS. 342 00:17:18,934 --> 00:17:22,534 WHERE ARE MY SINGLE LADIES? SOME SINGLE LADIES IN THIS THING TONIGHT? 343 00:17:24,934 --> 00:17:27,504 LADIES, YOU ALL NEED TO LOWER YOUR STANDARDS JUST A LITTLE BIT. 344 00:17:27,500 --> 00:17:31,400 Y'ALL DONE TOOK THIS "BALLING" SHIT TOO GODDAMN FAR. 345 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,130 EVERYBODY ALWAYS LOOKING FOR A BALLER. 346 00:17:33,133 --> 00:17:35,633 I AM NOT A BALLER. I KNOW HOW TO SAVE MONEY. 347 00:17:35,633 --> 00:17:39,203 I PAY FOR A CONCERT IN PENNIES UNWRAPPED. 348 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:41,230 I DON'T GIVE A DAMN HOW LONG THE LINE IS, DAMN IT. 349 00:17:41,233 --> 00:17:43,373 I GO STRAIGHT THERE WITH A SHIRT FULL OF THEM. 350 00:17:43,367 --> 00:17:45,367 "HOLD ON... 351 00:17:45,367 --> 00:17:48,567 ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT... 352 00:17:50,367 --> 00:17:53,167 NINE, 10, 11, 12, 13-- 353 00:17:53,166 --> 00:17:55,766 HOW MUCH YOU SAY, $84.50? 354 00:17:57,967 --> 00:18:01,227 WHERE I WAS, 13 OR 14? YOU REMEMBER? 355 00:18:01,233 --> 00:18:03,703 YOU DON'T REMEMBER? I'LL BE GOD DAMNED. 356 00:18:03,700 --> 00:18:05,770 GOTTA START ALL OVER THIS BITCH. 357 00:18:05,767 --> 00:18:08,697 FOLKS BE IN LINE MAD-- "WELL, COME HELP ME PUT 'EM IN FILES THEN. 358 00:18:08,700 --> 00:18:12,270 I WON'T BE UP HERE ALL GODDAMN DAY, NIGGA." 359 00:18:12,266 --> 00:18:14,866 JUST HAVING FUN WITH MY LIFE WHILE I GOT IT, GOD DAMN IT. 360 00:18:14,867 --> 00:18:17,197 'CAUSE I'M ONE BROTHER IN THIS WORLD THAT DON'T WANNA DIE. 361 00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,330 I'M AFRAID TO GO. I'M FINE RIGHT HERE. 362 00:18:19,333 --> 00:18:22,873 I AIN'T GOT TO GO TO HEAVEN NOR HELL. I'M FINE RIGHT GODDAMN HERE. 363 00:18:22,867 --> 00:18:24,867 I KNOW THEY SAY IT'S BETTER IN HEAVEN, 364 00:18:24,867 --> 00:18:26,827 BUT I'M FINE RIGHT HERE, THOUGH. 365 00:18:26,834 --> 00:18:29,074 I AIN'T GOT TO GO UP THERE. I DON'T WANNA WEAR WHITE EVERY DAY. 366 00:18:29,066 --> 00:18:31,066 I'M FINE RIGHT GODDAMN HERE. 367 00:18:31,066 --> 00:18:33,066 I DON'T NEED NO WINGS. I DON'T MIND WALKING. 368 00:18:33,066 --> 00:18:35,196 I'M FINE RIGHT GODDAMN HERE. 369 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:38,600 L.A., I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED THE BROTHER, MAN. I'M J.J., MAN. 370 00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:40,230 I APPRECIATE IT. 371 00:18:40,233 --> 00:18:42,703 I APPRECIATE IT! 372 00:18:48,834 --> 00:18:51,334 YEAH! 373 00:18:51,333 --> 00:18:52,903 I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU ALL, MAN. 374 00:18:52,900 --> 00:18:54,870 I'D LIKE TO TAKE A LITTLE TIME OUT 375 00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:59,597 AND THANK SOMEBODY WHO IS VERY, VERY PINNACLE IN MY LIFE 376 00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:02,030 AND ALL OF THESE OTHER COMEDIANS OUT HERE, MAN. 377 00:19:02,033 --> 00:19:05,103 SOMEBODY WHO PAVED THE WAY-- IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT 378 00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:07,100 FOR ME NOT TO MENTION HIS NAME, 379 00:19:07,100 --> 00:19:09,470 BUT HE MADE "DEF COMEDY JAM" POSSIBLE. 380 00:19:09,467 --> 00:19:12,227 AND LET'S GIVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR RICHARD PRYOR, Y'ALL. 381 00:19:12,233 --> 00:19:14,533 LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR RICHARD PRYOR. 382 00:19:15,433 --> 00:19:17,433 LOVE YOU, RICH. 383 00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:25,430 HE... I MEAN, FOR REAL, HE INSPIRED ME. 384 00:19:25,433 --> 00:19:28,533 Y'ALL SEE I GOT MY PENITENTIARY SHIT ON RIGHT HERE. 385 00:19:28,533 --> 00:19:30,973 I WENT TO PRISON IN 1989. 386 00:19:30,967 --> 00:19:32,567 I GOT THE PICTURE WHEN I WENT, 387 00:19:32,567 --> 00:19:34,597 AND I GOT MY "NOW" PICTURE ON THERE 388 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:38,170 TO LET THESE BITCHES KNOW 389 00:19:38,166 --> 00:19:42,466 THAT IT CAN HAPPEN, THAT GOD IS REAL, 390 00:19:42,467 --> 00:19:44,697 IN THE FLESH. 391 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,670 COMING TO THE STAGE, 392 00:19:47,667 --> 00:19:51,367 STRAIGHT OUT OF THE ATL-- ARNEZ J.! 393 00:20:03,367 --> 00:20:06,097 ( laughing ) 394 00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:08,200 YEAH. 395 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,470 Y'ALL GOT ME. 396 00:20:16,467 --> 00:20:18,427 WHOO! 397 00:20:18,433 --> 00:20:21,433 Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA MAKE A NIGGA CRY. Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA MAKE ME CRY. 398 00:20:21,433 --> 00:20:23,703 I'M GONNA GET THIS SHOW STARTED. 399 00:20:23,700 --> 00:20:25,870 I'M JUST HAVING FUN RIGHT NOW. 400 00:20:25,867 --> 00:20:28,827 I THINK, YOU KNOW-- I GOTTA SAY THIS. 401 00:20:28,834 --> 00:20:30,934 I THINK WE DONE FINALLY PISSED GOD OFF. 402 00:20:30,934 --> 00:20:32,934 IN THE LAST FIVE YEARS, WE HAVE NEVER SEEN 403 00:20:32,934 --> 00:20:35,304 THE DEVASTATION THAT WE HAVE SEEN. 404 00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:39,100 YOU KNOW HOW GRANDMAMA WOULD SAY, "WELL, GOD IS ON HIS WAY BACK"? 405 00:20:39,100 --> 00:20:41,300 WHETHER YOU BELIEVE IN JESUS OR NOT, IT REALLY DON'T MATTER, 406 00:20:41,300 --> 00:20:43,970 'CAUSE HE'S ON HIS WAY, AND, WHITE PEOPLE, THIS GO FOR Y'ALL, 407 00:20:43,967 --> 00:20:45,667 Y'ALL KNOW THE TSUNAMIS? 408 00:20:45,667 --> 00:20:47,897 WE AIN'T SEEN NOTHING LIKE THAT EVER. 409 00:20:47,900 --> 00:20:50,470 BUT, WHITE PEOPLE, LOOK HERE, DO ME A FAVOR, 410 00:20:50,467 --> 00:20:53,967 IF YOU SEE WATER COMING AT YOU THAT IS TALLER THAN THE BUILDING, 411 00:20:53,967 --> 00:20:57,297 PLEASE DON'T DO THIS, "MY GOD!" 412 00:21:03,333 --> 00:21:05,173 DO SOMETHING. 413 00:21:05,166 --> 00:21:06,726 LET ME SHOW YOU HOW A NIGGA DO IT. 414 00:21:06,734 --> 00:21:09,174 "NIGGA, WHAT'S THAT COMING DOWN...? 415 00:21:09,166 --> 00:21:10,996 MAN, COME HERE, NIGGA. 416 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:14,100 UH-UH, I KNOW... OH, HELL!" 417 00:21:16,700 --> 00:21:20,070 AND YOU AIN'T GOTTA TELL ANOTHER BLACK MAN TO RUN. 418 00:21:20,066 --> 00:21:22,326 YOU AIN'T GOTTA TELL ANOTHER BLACK MAN TO RUN. 419 00:21:22,333 --> 00:21:24,303 'CAUSE WHEN THAT FIRST NIGGA TAKE OFF, 420 00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:28,030 THAT OTHER BROTHER RIGHT BEHIND HIM-- "NIGGA, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?" 421 00:21:32,100 --> 00:21:35,800 NOW LET'S SAY THERE'S TWO WHITE DUDES STANDING THERE. 422 00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:37,530 I'M TELLING YOU, ONE OF THEM TAKE OFF, 423 00:21:37,533 --> 00:21:39,173 LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT THE OTHER ONE DO. 424 00:21:39,166 --> 00:21:42,396 "PAUL! PAUL! 425 00:21:43,367 --> 00:21:45,567 HEY WHERE-- PAUL!" 426 00:21:46,900 --> 00:21:50,430 "PAUL, WHERE YOU GOING? 427 00:21:50,433 --> 00:21:52,803 GOD, HE JUST TAKES OFF. YOU HEAR THAT ROAR?" 428 00:21:54,700 --> 00:21:57,500 BUT I WANNA SAY THESE TWO THINGS BEFORE I GO. 429 00:21:57,500 --> 00:22:00,570 FIRST OF ALL, Y'ALL A BEAUTIFUL AUDIENCE, BUT I DO WANNA SAY THIS. 430 00:22:00,567 --> 00:22:02,997 WE GOT TO LOVE ONE ANOTHER, AND I GOTTA SAY THIS TO MY BLACK MEN 431 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:04,930 MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE. 432 00:22:04,934 --> 00:22:06,974 YOU NEED TO GO TO THE DOCTOR. WE GOT A PROBLEM. 433 00:22:06,967 --> 00:22:09,367 WE'RE NOT GOING TO THE DOCTOR AND GETTING CHECKED OUT. 434 00:22:09,367 --> 00:22:13,297 TOO MANY OF US ARE DYING FROM COLON CANCER. 435 00:22:14,433 --> 00:22:17,403 I WENT, YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW... 436 00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:19,430 YEAH, I WENT AND HAD A COLONOSCOPY. 437 00:22:19,433 --> 00:22:21,833 IT'S GONNA HURT. IT'S GONNA HURT. 438 00:22:21,834 --> 00:22:23,604 OKAY, WHAT THEY DO IS THEY PUT A POLE-- 439 00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:25,630 IT FELT LIKE IT WAS ABOUT THAT LONG. 440 00:22:25,633 --> 00:22:28,703 ALL I KNOW IS THEY TREATED ME LIKE A RAPE VICTIM. 441 00:22:28,700 --> 00:22:31,500 THEY THREW A SHEET OVER ME WHEN THEY WERE DONE, TALKING ABOUT "GET DRESSED." 442 00:22:31,500 --> 00:22:34,170 I'M LIKE, "YOU AIN'T GONNA CALL A NIGGA NO MORE? WHAT'S UP? 443 00:22:34,166 --> 00:22:36,566 SO THEN THEY WANT YOU 444 00:22:36,567 --> 00:22:38,067 TO LAY ON THE BED LIKE THIS. 445 00:22:38,066 --> 00:22:41,866 I'M A GROWN MAN. I GOT NO BUSINESS LAYING LIKE THIS. 446 00:22:41,867 --> 00:22:43,867 THEN THEY TAKE THIS ROD. THEY SAY THEY'RE GONNA PUT IT 447 00:22:43,867 --> 00:22:46,027 UP IN YOUR RECTUM AND PUT AIR UP IN IT. 448 00:22:46,033 --> 00:22:48,803 HE SAID, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO PUT THIS IN YOUR BOOTY." I SAID, "WAIT, DAWG. 449 00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:51,000 WAIT, LET A NIGGA GET READY. WAIT A MINUTE. 450 00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,970 YOU AIN'T GONNA KNOCK ME OUT OR NOTHING? 451 00:22:52,967 --> 00:22:55,597 YOU JUST GONNA 'BROKEBACK' ME WHILE I'M UP, NIGGA?" 452 00:22:58,767 --> 00:23:02,427 AND I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH OF A MAN YOU THINK YOU ARE, 453 00:23:02,433 --> 00:23:05,703 WHEN YOU GOT ANOTHER MAN STANDING BEHIND YOU WITH A ROD, 454 00:23:05,700 --> 00:23:07,800 OH, THE GAY GONNA COME OUT. 455 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:10,500 NOW HE PUT IT UP IN, I'M LIKE... "OH!" ( grunting ) 456 00:23:11,900 --> 00:23:14,630 ( laughs ) 457 00:23:14,633 --> 00:23:18,373 ALL I WAS SAYING WAS, "LORD, PLEASE DON'T LET MY DICK GET HARD, PLEASE. 458 00:23:18,367 --> 00:23:21,597 PLEASE DON'T LET MY DICK GET HARD. 459 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:23,630 I'M A MAN. 460 00:23:23,633 --> 00:23:26,203 I'M A MAN!" 461 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:30,100 I SAID, "PLEASE KEEP IT SOFT LIKE RUBBER, LORD, PLEASE." 462 00:23:30,100 --> 00:23:32,470 HE SAID, "YOU'RE GONNA FEEL A LITTLE PRESSURE ON YOUR STOMACH." 463 00:23:32,467 --> 00:23:36,367 I SAID, "THAT'S COOL, BUT YOU GOT IT IN MY HEART. 464 00:23:36,367 --> 00:23:38,397 TAKE IT OUT, PLEASE, TAKE IT OUT." SO HE PULLED IT OUT. 465 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:40,300 HE SAID, "OOPS." "OOPS? 466 00:23:40,300 --> 00:23:43,470 WAIT A MINUTE, DAWG. THAT'S MY BOOTY HOLE. WHAT YOU MEAN, 'OOPS?'" 467 00:23:43,467 --> 00:23:46,497 HE SAID, "WE LEFT TOO MUCH AIR UP THERE." "YOU LEFT TOO MUCH AIR!" 468 00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:49,900 I SAID, "WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN? IS A BUBBLE GONNA GO AND MY BRAIN GONNA POP?" 469 00:23:49,900 --> 00:23:53,300 HE SAID, "NO, MR. J. WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN IS YOU'RE GONNA PASS GAS. 470 00:23:53,300 --> 00:23:55,400 AND YOU'RE GONNA GET RID OF IT." I SAID, "OKAY, I'M COOL. 471 00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,170 I CAN DEAL WITH THAT." BUT SEE... 472 00:23:57,166 --> 00:24:00,496 HE DIDN'T TELL YOU WHEN YOU WAS GONNA PASS GAS. 473 00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:04,030 AND THAT YOU WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO STOP IT. 474 00:24:04,033 --> 00:24:07,673 NIGGA, I AM ON THE ELEVATOR. 475 00:24:07,667 --> 00:24:09,727 THESE SISTERS GET ON. I'M LIKE, "HEY, HOW YOU DOING?" 476 00:24:09,734 --> 00:24:11,334 SHE'S LIKE, "HOW YOU DOING? " 477 00:24:11,333 --> 00:24:13,633 I'M LIKE... "PRR-RRT! 478 00:24:13,633 --> 00:24:15,973 OH, MY GOD-- PRR-RRT!" 479 00:24:15,967 --> 00:24:18,167 I TRIED TO SUCK IT UP. TRIED TO STOP IT. 480 00:24:18,166 --> 00:24:20,226 MY BOOTY WAS LIKE, "NO!" 481 00:24:20,233 --> 00:24:22,533 "PRR-RRT!" 482 00:24:25,433 --> 00:24:29,103 I DIDN'T KNOW IT TOOK TWO DAYS FOR YOUR BOOTY HOLE TO CLOSE, EITHER. 483 00:24:29,100 --> 00:24:31,230 I DIDN'T. I'M WALKING DOWN THE STREET-- 484 00:24:31,233 --> 00:24:33,333 "WHOO-OOT!" 485 00:24:33,333 --> 00:24:36,073 MY FRIEND WAS LIKE, "WHAT'S THAT NOISE?" I'M LIKE, "NIGGA, I DON'T KNOW." 486 00:24:36,066 --> 00:24:37,296 "WHOO-OOT!" 487 00:24:37,300 --> 00:24:39,930 HE SAID, "IS YOUR BOOTY HOLE LEAKING?" 488 00:24:39,934 --> 00:24:41,874 I TRIED TO SIT DOWN IN A CAR-- 489 00:24:41,867 --> 00:24:43,967 ( hisses ) "TSS-SS!" 490 00:24:43,967 --> 00:24:47,067 SO I'M JUST SAYING GO GET IT CHECKED OUT. 491 00:24:47,066 --> 00:24:49,066 AND BEFORE I GO, I JUST WANNA SAY THIS-- 492 00:24:49,066 --> 00:24:52,396 WHO ARE THE MOST FUNNIEST PEOPLE IN OUR FAMILIES? 493 00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:55,230 UNCLES ARE THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE IN OUR FAMILIES. 494 00:24:55,233 --> 00:24:57,633 THAT'S RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT'S GETTING READY TO HAPPEN. 495 00:24:57,633 --> 00:24:59,973 THIS IS A TRIBUTE... 496 00:25:02,300 --> 00:25:04,530 Y'ALL KNOW THAT'S SEXY, NIGGA. 497 00:25:04,533 --> 00:25:07,273 Y'ALL KNOW THAT IS SEXY! 498 00:25:08,467 --> 00:25:10,597 NOW... 499 00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:18,500 NOW I DON'T KNOW ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE, 500 00:25:18,500 --> 00:25:21,000 BUT I KNOW EVERYBODY BLACK AND LATINO GOT AN UNCLE IN THEIR FAMILIES 501 00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:24,170 SOMEWHERE DOWN THE LINE THAT DRESS JUST LIKE THIS. 502 00:25:24,166 --> 00:25:26,226 NIPPLES RIGHT TO THE BELT LOOP... 503 00:25:26,233 --> 00:25:29,333 AND GOT THAT ONE LITTLE NUT THAT HANG ON THE SIDE 504 00:25:29,333 --> 00:25:32,273 AND GOT THAT LITTLE UNDERBELLY RIGHT THERE. 505 00:25:32,266 --> 00:25:36,196 AND MY UNCLE CHARLIE'S ONE OF THEM OLD-SCHOOL NIGGAS, 506 00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:38,130 YOU KNOW, THEY START LOOKING FOR THEIR... 507 00:25:38,133 --> 00:25:40,303 "THERE IT IS, NIGGA." 508 00:25:42,233 --> 00:25:45,373 SO WAIT A MINUTE. 509 00:25:45,367 --> 00:25:47,367 AND OLD-SCHOOL CATS THINK 510 00:25:47,367 --> 00:25:49,367 THEY ARE THE BEST DANCERS IN THE WORLD. 511 00:25:49,367 --> 00:25:51,197 MY UNCLE CHARLIE WAS LIKE, "WAIT A MINUTE, NIGGA. 512 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:53,600 YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THAT." 513 00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:56,500 NOW I GOTTA SHOW YOU HOW LAST YEAR I HAD TO GO TO MY FAMILY REUNION. 514 00:25:56,500 --> 00:25:59,470 AND MY UNCLE CHARLIE WAS IN THE KITCHEN COOKING SOME FISH. 515 00:25:59,467 --> 00:26:02,697 AND ALL MY AUNTIES ARE IN THE LIVING ROOM DANCING. 516 00:26:02,700 --> 00:26:05,200 THEY START GETTING THAT LITTLE BOOTY DANCE WHEN THEY START DANCING. 517 00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:07,570 THEY BE LIKE, "OH, YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 518 00:26:07,567 --> 00:26:09,497 GO ON NOW." 519 00:26:09,500 --> 00:26:11,730 NOW MY UNCLE CHARLIE WAS IN THE KITCHEN AND HEARD THIS SONG, 520 00:26:11,734 --> 00:26:14,574 CAME OUT AND LOST HIS LIVING MIND. 521 00:26:14,567 --> 00:26:17,867 I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU WHEN HE PLAYED THIS SONG, 522 00:26:17,867 --> 00:26:19,467 FIRST OF ALL, HE WAS IN THE KITCHEN. 523 00:26:19,467 --> 00:26:22,627 - HE JUST KEPT HEARING THIS MUSIC. - ( funk music playing ) 524 00:26:22,633 --> 00:26:25,133 "WHAT YOU ALL DOING OUT HERE? 525 00:26:25,133 --> 00:26:27,573 OH, WAIT A MINUTE. 526 00:26:27,567 --> 00:26:29,827 AW, WAIT A MINUTE NOW. 527 00:26:29,834 --> 00:26:33,104 Y'ALL DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT CHARLIE, NOW. 528 00:26:33,100 --> 00:26:35,800 WAIT A MINUTE-- AH! 529 00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:38,900 NOW Y'ALL DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT CHARLIE NOW." 530 00:26:42,300 --> 00:26:45,400 "OH, WAIT A MINUTE." 531 00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:47,870 MY NAME IS ARNEZ. I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH. 532 00:27:12,266 --> 00:27:15,526 THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT. GOD BLESS YOU. GOOD NIGHT. 533 00:27:15,533 --> 00:27:18,273 ( theme music playing ) 534 00:27:18,323 --> 00:27:22,873 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0